Making Long Distance Parenting Work
Submitted by: Kevin Chertkow

Many divorced parents for many different reasons have had to make the very tough decision of relocating. Whether it is because there is a new or better job opportunity, a current job transfer or promotion, moving closer to family for support or just having to start over, this is no easy task. As the economy ground shakes more and more lately, we are sometimes forced to have to do what is necessary to grow and continue providing for our families.

Children, who are use to a certain schedule and time to be with either parent, will have a tough time with this new adjustment. Hopefully, both parents of the child(ren) will put down their differences and selfish desires for a while and think mostly about what their child(ren) needs as they go through this very tough transition. Both parents must work together on some level to ensure that the relationship between the long distance parent and their child(ren) continues. A child that develops with both mother and father in their life in some form or fashion will have a stronger foundation to develop from than a child that is completely without their biological mother or father.

Tips for the long distance parent

Communication so very important in this situation. When you live nearby communication is relatively easy. You have your scheduled time to see each other and you have planned activities for those times. When you're together, conversation is almost inevitable. The further you're apart from each other, it is too easy for days to turn into weeks or even longer as life happens. You are not scheduled to plan the same activities every week or every other week like you use to. As the long distance parent, the need to stay focused and committed to your parent-child relationship is very important. This will take a lot of work on your behalf if you are going to maintain a close relationship with your child(ren).

It is important to remember you are the adult, thus it is your responsibility to initiate contact with your child(ren). Be the leader in finding ways to keep the communication strings strong. Don't wait for the child(ren) to call, send an e-mail or call to strike up a conversation. You need to let them know you are there. At the same time, don't take it personally if they do not respond back quickly or talk for hours. Depending on their age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest with the phone. Be strong and don't take it personally.

Stay interested and involved with what is going on in their lives. Make a point to know the names of their friends, teachers, coaches or anyone else who they interact with. Take interest in their school work. Many schools are adapting to the internet where parents can login and see their child's grades and classwork. Make sure to have the access you need to stay on top of education and help them when they need it.

Relationships are built on trust and predictability. Where you use to pick up on a schedule, now you'll need to communicate on a schedule. If you say you're going to call or send an e-mail, do it. It is also important to ask open ended questions. Try to stay away from questions that will yield a yes or no. Instead of asking "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What have you been learning in school?" You will find that your conversations will not be so short or one sided if you keep the yes or no's to a minimum. It is also just as important to not use your communication time to probe about the other parent and things that go on, keep your children out of the middle.

When connecting with your child(ren) think outside the box. Talking on the phone is one thing but there are other way in which to reach your child(ren) that could keep the relationship fresh and interesting. With all the high-tech options you have at your disposal, you could easily stay in touch by texting, e-mail and video chat. If you really want to build memories you could send things snail mail. Children, especially young ones love to receive things in the mail, so send a card, write a letter maybe a postcard or a care package.

The most important thing is to stay connected with your child(ren). It will also be helpful to be respectful to the other parent's house rules. Clear things with the other parent before mentioning plans to the child(ren). Doing so could help make relations better with the other parent if there have been issues getting along.

Tips for the parent who is not long distance

Since you are the parent who may have the child(ren) most of the time, it is essential you encourage and help keep a relationship strong with the long distance parent however it is not solely your responsibility. 50% of the responsibility belongs to the long distance parent. No matter how you feel about the situation or the other parent, it is always a good idea try to work with the long distance parent so your child(ren) do not grow up with abandonment issues or grow up with resentment in their life. It could save you and your child(ren) a hefty psychiatry bill later in life.

Never bad mouth the other parent even if they have done or said something you disagree with. Talk to an adult about adult issues. Make your motives toward your children honorable. In the long run, children will make up their own mind about either parent. Trying to influence a child to feel or think a certain way could backfire on you. Be supportive to your child(ren) and be there for them. Remind them constantly they are equally loved by both parents, because children need to feel that kind of security.

Be supportive of the long distance relationship for the sake of your child(ren) and their development. See that your child(ren) are available for a scheduled telephone call. If your child is young, set up an email account that can be used by child and parents to communicate. While you're at it, try to set up time for virtual visits with the use of web cams. Give your child(ren) privacy and space with the other parent. Support plans to read the same books, watch the same shows so the children and both parents can relate with the children. The child(ren) will feel more connected with both parents if this can happen.

You do not have to do 100% of the raising of your child(ren). Provide information from school, physicians, coaches, etc. to the long distance parent. Set up video chat time so the long distance parent can do homework with them, this will be great for the child(ren) and the long distance parent as well as give you a little free time for yourself while they work. The more you can work together with the long distance parent the easier it will be for both you and the child(ren).

Don't let your child think the long distant parent has fallen off the face of the earth. Let your child(ren) keep photographs of the other parent. Letting them have pictures in their room will remind them they always have two parents who think and care about them. Do your part to help with travel arrangements and preparing them for the transition. It's important for the child(ren) to know you want them to spend time with the long distant parent. The more positive you can be the easier it will be for your child(ren).

Raising children is tough. It is tougher when there is divorce in a child's life. It is even more challenging when there is great distance between the two parents, but that doesn't mean that one parent or the other doesn't care about their children any less. Incorporation is the key for raising children in these types of situations. Attitude is essential to making it work. Remember, children develop by watching and listening from their parents. The better example you can set for your children, the better off your children will be.