How to Deal with Your Child's Temper Tantrums
Submitted by: Kevin Chertkow

How does your child know when the best time to throw a tantrum is? How many times have you been on the phone, in a grocery store or just busy with your agenda when a blow up occurs? Tantrums sometimes occur at the worse possible time for parents. In the back of your mind you might be thinking he/she was fine all day, this was an ambush.

With my girl and boys I've seen and still deal with all types of tantrums. Sometimes I think they spend hours in the mirror to get their sad, hurt and angry faces just right so they can express themselves accordingly. Some of my favorites tantrums are the guilt tantrums, "You didn't let me… you broke my heart." Or the overly dramatic, "Sob... I... Sob... never... mumble... me... screech... tears... Sob... stomp away with a tear filled glare," and the ever popular dropping to the floor face down screaming and crying as if life as they know it has just came to the end and it's all daddy's fault.

There are two main types of tantrums with variable degrees, manipulative tantrums and frustration tantrums. The trick to dealing with controlled and uncontrolled emotions is to watch for pre-tantrum warnings. You probably know by now their body language changes or the tone or pitch of their voice changes as they're getting prepared for the upcoming eruption. Even though it can be hard, it's really important at these times to keep your cool. It's important to keep your emotions in check to be able to take a moment to try to understand why your child is acting out.

Be attentive to their needs. They may be acting out because they are just hungry, frustrated, tired or not feeling well instead of just trying to get your attention. Which ever the scenario, don't take it personally. Tantrums are sometimes signs of independence, not a reflection of your parenting. One way to display you don't condone their behavior is to simply walk away and ignore the tantrum. Take these outbursts and turn them into a bonding experience with them. Try to talk out the issue and only reinforce positive behavior with praise and rewards.

Try to put yourself in their shoes for a moment. If you sense your dealing with a frustration tantrum try to sooth them down by talking calm. Offer your assistance to show them how to accomplish the task which is making them frustrated. Try to have them express their feelings by communicating. When you talk, kneel down to their level and look them in the eyes so you can achieve a mutual understanding.

As you have learned to read their body language, they have also learned your buttons to try to manipulate you when they are trying to get what they want. They've learned that certain behaviors will definitely get your attention, especially their negative behavior. If you give in and give them whatever they want to stop the tantrum you're only positively reinforcing their behavior. Your giving them a green light land letting them know when they press the right button they'll win.

Here are some things to think about to minimize tantrums. Be a connected and tuned in parent. A parent who is connected and dialed in to their children can read that child(ren) and will know what's going to set of an episode. They will also be able to anticipate tiredness and hunger making it easier to avoid or deal with blow ups.

Try to minimize the things that set off tantrums. You may need to keep a diary or log as to when and what set off these episodes. Do you find that you they are more difficult before nap times or lunch; are they bored, sick maybe over stimulated? Do you find when you're busy but give them a task to make them feel part of your duties you have less battles? Find out what works to diminish out bursts and use it to your advantage.

Know your own triggers. Some children push as many buttons they can until they find the right button that gets them the reaction or attention they are looking for. Knowing your major set offs and having a reaction plan for yourself will help you defuse a tantrum as well as set an example on how to have a mature response instead of becoming out of control.

Call a time out if ignoring or comforting a tantrum doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. Remove them from the situation and let the tantrum exhaust itself in their room or get out the time out chair. The calmer you behave and display the tantrum has no effect on you the quicker it may subside. Keep your cool and always speak in low soft tones to try to calm their aggravation.

When there is an eruption in public places, you really want to refrain from lashing out. Sure it can be embarrassing and you might be concerned what other people may think about your parenting skills but stay cool. You will display great parenting if you handle the situation rather than allow it to continue and make the child appear to be in control. Walk (or carry) the child to the bathroom or out of the establishment where they can blow off steam and you can talk to them calmly to settle them down. Try PTT (Preventive Tantrum Tactics) by going on your errands during times that are less likely to be tantrum times. In the mornings or after naps can be the optimal behavior times for youngsters when they're not as hungry or tired.

If you just can't seem to reduce or settle tantrums as they occur or if there are signs of violence to themselves or others, depression, low self-esteem, overly dependant on a parent or teacher for support. You may want to talk to your pediatrician or look into counseling not only for them but for you so you can obtain more advice on how to approach this behavior.