Conversation around the little people
Submitted by: Doug Warburton

I have heard stories from divorced parents and even experienced myself, dealing with situations where the other parent has acted in unacceptable manner in front of the children. Name calling, swearing or being aggressive to anyone is just disrespectful to begin with, but to display these poor choices in front of your children is poor judgment and character.

I have been asked how does one deal with this kind behavior, especially when the damage is done. Your children have witnessed the beat down from one parent to the other. The first piece of advice I would give to any parent trying to maintain their composure after such a bashing is to, rise above. Rise above the situation, set the example for your children on how to deal with bullies. Do your best to get your children and yourself out of the situation, even if it's just walking away. You can address the childish adult later but your main concern should be your child and how you can protect them from the verbal abuse.

Remember children are recorders of information, that's what they do! It's how they learn, speak, read…whatever. It is what they do. If you or someone else speaks a curse word, they will remember it and say it, over and over again. Until some adult lets them know that the particular word they are using is inappropriate (hopefully). How you behave and or react to a situation molds these young minds on what's right and what's acceptable.

When you finally get out of the situation it is important to reassure your child that they have loving parents that don't always get along. This is also an opportunity to have a bonding moment to talk about what had happened. Remind them that no matter how upset one person get with another, it is never acceptable to treat anyone in the manner they have witnessed. You may need to reassure them that arguments between parents have nothing to do with them. Remember, young children are most of the time wanting to please both parents and will sometimes assume blame for their fighting, especially if the fighting is who is doing or not doing for them. All they understand is they are the subject of the fight.

I was asked recently, "How do you handle the other parent bad mouthing me when I'm not around." This is always a tough scenario and can catch you off guard. Your immediate response might be to say something belittling about the other parent but you must refrain from making yourself feel better and think of how it might affect your child. A great idea is to open up a dialog about what was said. Ask probing questions to find out how it has affected your child so you can help them understand and have them form their own opinion about the situation. "Well, what do you think about that statement?" or "How does that make you feel?" Then ask opinion forming questions "Do you believe what you've heard?" or "Do you think it's nice to talk about people like that?" If you think about it, showing how your child how to recognize poor behavior and unacceptable ways to talk about other people could be very character building as well as allow them to understand how not to behave. You never know you may have your own child stand up for you when you’re not around. I have witnessed a child explain to their parent that it was not nice to talk about other people, "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all" the child explained. The parent went silent. When one adult does not respect and perhaps even know another adult, they should refrain from hurtful remarks or comments.

If you're ever in a situation where you feel your blood boiling because of what another person or Ex has done or said and you’re not sure how you should handle it. Remember to just rise above the situation. Remember that we are the parents and the adults, so act accordingly. We are supposed to raise our children to be the best people we know, better than ourselves. It is hard enough, don't make it harder. In the long run, if we don't do things right now, well it might not be as nice later. Just something to think about!!