Talking about sex with your kids
Submitted by: Kevin Chertkow

This is probably one of the toughest topics to confront as well as discuss. There is a lot of information out there on when should you face the dreaded "sex talk" and how you should go about doing it. I believe every child is different and comprehends things in different ways, so when is the right age? I believe that if you're an involved and aware parent you'll know when it's time. I also believe that it very important to have the "sex talk" sooner than later. This way the parent has the opportunity to instill their values on the issue and make it age appropriate.

There is an 80% chance that by the time your child reaches or is in middle school, they will have been introduced to some sort of sexually explicit conversation, word, picture, or worse. That is unless you live out in the woods and have no TV, Internet, radio, magazine, and Yogi Bear is the closest neighbor for a thousand miles. This returns me to the initial question: When should you have a "sex talk" with your child or will you let media, social peers or complete strangers instruct them on the concept of the birds and the bees?

Even now with my children being so young and innocent, I dread the thought of having any talk that has to do with boys, girls and private parts, but I can't shelter them from the world even though I'd like to. Even now in kindergarten, I have boys telling my daughter what a sports cup is for and what part of their anatomy it protects. Makes me wonder what type of parenting those poor boys are getting. I have to face the fact that I can't sit next to them 24/7 to cover their ears on everything to which I don't want them to be exposed.

It's time for me to "man up" and make sure I maintain the strong foundation I work so hard at building with all my children. This foundation is what I like to call, "open communication". It is my hope that no matter what age my children happen to be, they will feel comfortable coming to me to talk about anything. I don't remember ever feeling 100% comfortable going to my parents to ask them questions about sex or the opposite sex. I really don't remember ever having the "Big Talk" with them either. I think it went something like this, "Do you know what that thing is?" pointing in my general direction. "Okay, don't play with it and don't let anyone else play with it either. We good?... Good!" But my parents didn't have the same challenges we as parents face today.

There is more sex on TV, radio and in magazines than I ever remember and, of course, many people never heard of the Internet or even had computers in the home. The Internet for me was just a black screen and text to get computer codes, game cheats and an occasional game download (or so I knew). It was nowhere near the porn portal of the universe as it is now. Lastly, this newer form of communication called sexting and photo sharing is creating all sorts parenting policing problems. But don't take my word on this; you can hear it from some 12 and 13-year-olds in their own words. This was shared with me to keep me on my toes as to what I have to look forward to. "See what sexual pressures junior high school students are now facing."

Of course, how you approach the subject or it approaches you; here are some quick tips to think about that might help keep things going in the direction you want them to.

• If you still can, start early but it's never too late. You don't necessarily need to dive in head first explaining all the details and scare tactics. But this is the time you can instill some of your basic values you'd like them to adopt. In my case when my daughter was four years old she told me about a crush she had on a little boy. Well, first I wasn't happy to hear the words "boyfriend" from her at that age, but I quickly made a rule that we don't have boyfriends or kiss boys until after college. Now, I know my dream will never come true; however, it was delightful to hear that all her friends started quoting the no kissing and no boyfriends until college rule.

• Converse with your child. I can't imagine any parent not talking with their children. It's just good sense to check in with the harder topics as well as the fun ones to help build trust and open communication later.

• Have an open door policy. Don't just have the policy, communicate and let your actions show there is one.

• Convey your own values. Don't forget sometime actions speak louder than words. Don't kid yourself. Throughout your child's development, they're learning from your behavior -- the good and the bad.

• Be a good listener. There is a difference between listening to understand and listening to respond. Try to stay clear of direct yes or no questions but lean to open-ended questions. An old sales tactic I use to teach is the power of silence. Sometimes if you don't say anything, the other person feels the need to fill the void by talking. It's a powerful way to get someone to open up.

• Be patient. It may take a few hours or multiple conversations to get to the root of any problem. There may also be a lot of emotion to wiggle through, so grab some tissues and get ready for some hugs.

• Talk about it again. And, again. Sometime the message just doesn't get through the first time or it needs to be reminded and reinforced.

• Always let them know you love them.